Welcome to Better Have My Money, my Monday night newsletter about stocks, investing and where money meets the moons.
So this week several people alerted me to this tweet:
Bull and Moon is created by MSCHF, a group known for their weekly viral stunts, with this app a satirical look at our culture’s current obsession with astrology and personal finance apps.
So the app chooses companies based on whether your birth chart aligns with their chart, which is supposedly based off when the company was incorporated, and supposedly they are stock tips.
Confusing term of the week: “incorporated” aka when a corporation is created. It’s a bit different from when a company is founded because this is the process of officially filing documents to legalize and make it a formal corporation in the eyes of the government.
The company seems to claim it’s not entirely a joke and is based off real financials, but honestly, who cares. The app recommended some boring companies for me andtried to tell me that with one stock I need to “learn flexibility as to please their scandalous partner,” which just sounds like a bot writing a description.
I love Not All Geminis and Chani Nicholas and Annabel Gat and Susan Miller and Astro Twins and The Pattern and Co-Star and all the other glorious sites that will explain my life to me. So I decided to do my own Better Have My Money astrology stock picks.
Here’s my (completely non-astrological and non-financial) picks for which stocks are which star sign. To be clear, this isn’t a list of stocks you should buy based on your astrological star sign; this a list of which stocks embody your star sign.
Which stock is your star sign?
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22):
Twitter (TWTR): a chaotic evil we can’t abandon, even if all we know it ruins us. The cursed website is full of both facts and emotions; rampant with evil white supremacists and hilarious memelords.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21):
Brookfield Renewable Partners (BEP): A green energy company operating in 15 countries — staff in Tevas, visiting projects in Colombia, Brazil, the US and Canada — it mainly focuses on hydroelectric but also promises to do little bits of lots of things.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20):
Lowe’s Companies (LOWE): No one is excited by the second-biggest home improvement retailer in the country but it’s been public for over 65 years — and has a tradition of increasing its dividend every year since 1961.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18):
Intuitive Surgical (ISRG): Creator of the da Vinci surgical system, which is literally a robotic system created for minimally invasive surgery. Weird and good for the world and completely impossible to interact with on any emotional level.
Pisces February 19 - March 20:
Etsy (ETSY): The creative company offers a platform for artists and small business owners to sell their work directly to consumers. Has collapsed lately but might just be going through a tough emotional period.
Aries March 21 - April 20:
Under Armour (UAA): An athletic clothing company perfect for leading an aerobics class in and, yes, maybe it is getting investigated for using dodgy practices of dumping stock at discount retailers but who has the time to sell all the products, it just had to take action and move on OK!
Taurus April 21 – May 21
Mastercard (MA): A giant credit card company that works all over the world and fits in your wallet and can be used to buy whatever indulgent treat is ever wanted. And it’s genuinely reliable, no matter the situation.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Ericsson (ERIC): The Swedish telecommunication company is busy leading the global rollout of 5G technology, making sure everyone is talking, reading, sexting, sharing information and writing newsletters quicker than the human brain could previously imagine.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22:
Carnival (CCL): The market leader in cruise stocks. This crab wants to be on the water but in their own separate ship with their own rules, food and friends OK — and yes, maybe everyone ends up with gastro.
Leo (July 23 – August 23):
Estée Lauder (EL): The focus is on looking good and being the center of attention, with over 25 prestige brands focused on fashion, makeup, skin care and smelling good.
Virgo August 24 – September 22:
Honeywell (HON): Maker of useful and trustworthy products like landing systems using GPS signals for ensuring precision during space travel and also The Wirecutter’s top humidifier. Their consumer goods keep working forever.
Libra: September 23 – October 23:
Goldman Sachs (GS): As sturdy as a bank, because it is, in fact, a bank. But! Also just launched a credit card with Apple (APPL) to bring in that new tech business.
Thank you for indulging me on this ridiculousness.
If you were into this post, please share and tell your mates. This weekend I’m visiting the National Portrait Gallery — last time I went was before the Obamas portraits appeared, and it’ll be nice to see a non-white guy amongst the presidents. Did you know you can donate to help support their commissions?
One more day til Mercury is no longer in retrograde,
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As always, if you've got any questions about stocks, this is a shame free zone. Just reply and ask away.